No more man.

It is not easy to live with a broken heart. And this heart has been mended for thousand times. Like a broken glass, it wont be that strong anymore.

I had so much things that need to let go but instead it keeps remained in my heart and mind. At some point I managed to forget it and just live happily. But it didn't stay that way for so  long because there's always something or someone who will trigger it back and put me back in the past.

I will never recover. I just survived. But i can never recover and I could never love or accept a man in my life. I will destroy them mentally. End up they will hurt me. Basically I myself caused it. Hence, I know I shouldn't put marriage as one of my goal in my life. Im not capable of accepting a man to be part in my life. There's always something that will make me live in doubt based on past experience. I will always in alert. I didn't let it flow and relax. Im a wreck-ship with so many flaws. No man can handle that.

I should proceed with my plan before all this started again. I was actually okay living single and kinda accept it already. Im prepared to live alone. Until he came and I gave him and myself chance to get hurt again.

I will buy a house and adopt a baby.

I have family and friends for me to turn to. They love me. I can rely on them. I dont think I need another stranger man come and ruined it.

At the moment im still in heartbroken-bitter-dark condition. But it will past. It always does. I always moved on. But then yeah..I wont recover. All this bitter memory will come and visit me once in a while and push me aback again. I dont think there's any man can handle that. Because in the end, all they ever wanted is women to think about them all the time. Seriously im tired of thinking bout that anymore. When will I be cared?

Love is all that needed.

I longed for..

someone who feel proud walking next to me.
someone who'll feel happy waking up next to my horror face.
someone who willing to share my laughter and tears.
someone who willing to listen to my never ending conscious and stupid doubt.
someone who calm my nervous wreck with his words.
someone who share his hard and fun times with me.
someone who understand that my nags is because i care.
someone who stay and fight for the relationship.

all this will only works if only..

That someone really love me unconditionally.
That's all needed.

Song

This song brings lots of meaning.
What happened in your past somehow could jeopardize ur future though. My advise to the young ones. Never got ur heart broken too many times. It might got recovered but it never healed. Things happened in ur past will become ur guidance and lesson. Some might caused good but some not.

I think heartbroken could caused negative impact where ul lose faith and trust in guys. It makes u become independent and started to thing that u can embrace the life living on ur own. Like mine, i gave up on guys and started to plan my life living alone. A house of my own and adopted baby was in the plan.

Until, my now fiance came in and changed the whole plan and idea. I never took it wholeheartedly because im still haunted by the toxic experience.

Therefore, what i need is constant assurance that this is real and reliable. This could make u live more happily compare to living alone. This could be the right future.

And i think, to do that..ur partner should not be selfish and thinking bout what he had in his past too. Because, ur a guy! No matter what, u owned the first move. Not us woman. We need to trust more and convinced more. Or it will make no difference either ur there or not.

well at least to a woman like me.

I agreed tolerance if the most important thing. Perhaps too much tolerance could make u feel unworthy. Whats the point of being a partner in a relationship and not being pampered by your guy.

Pampered here is very subjective.
Many of my friends would know, im not the kind who will go for material or physical. Im the kind who look for real love and yeah unfortunately hopeless romantic.
My definition of pampering is all about communication, sharing, trust, care and love. It do sound cliche but thats who i am. Im expecting birthday wish and thoughts rather than a birthday cake.

Hence, thats is my tolerance. I dont count how much money u earn but im calculative on how much time u spare for me. If i feel im not being cared, I will automatically count as im not being loved.

But again, too much of it could make u feel unworthy.

Dugaan awal tahun..

I was diagnosed and warded for dengue hemmorhage fever for almost 2 weeks. I was warded for 5 days and the rest i have to recovered by myself which was damn challenging.

I seriously never thought this virus could give me near death experience. Yea seriously.. I cant eat, sleep.. I had hallucination.. I was so weak.. Theres liquid inside my lungs so i can breath properly.. It even attacked my liver.. 

Regardless, i always believe theres reasons why i survived and God gave me chance to continue living. It was a test. And theres always good return out of it. Like how the experience wake me up and think about death more. I quit smoking for now and hopefully permanent. Because iv felt how hard for u to breath when u have affected lungs. I think the virus have killed my allergy!! Good news ever! Iv tried and ate prawns and squid last weekend and turn out to be true! Theres no appearance of red rashes pimple kinda look on my face! Yeay!!

The most, i almost forgot how great is mother touch. Because of her i got strength.. Had bath after 3 days.. Shampooed my hair after 3 days.. She flushed the toilet when i was vomitting and diarrhea at the same time. Been forced to drink up the taste from hell papaya leaf juice.. Ate more than 2 spoon of rice.. Yeap i felt the love and care from mama after many years of being adult. At that time, i swore to myself.. I will return her favor when her time comes. 

Theres always good thing happened after a great challenging test. InshaAllah.