How could you..

It has been 18 days since the engagement day. We were back on the silence treatment mode. He did it again. I kena again. The most important thing Iv remind him so many times, never shut me out!! But he did it. Not once, but many times since before merisik.

At that time, when i were about to feel break into tears, my stronger Nadya came and told me that..You are strong Nadya, uv been endure this billionth time. Be patience. Handle it elegantly and professionally. This is the time to apply whatever you've been reading in the self motivational books.

Along the way, being me..I will always upload or express my thoughts and feeling at that time with quotes or pictures that linked to me. Of course, hoping that he will understand more. But he didnt. He keep on doing it.

So i sabar. It continues until 25th June.

I knew about he'll be coming down to bring is mom to IJN for her routine checkup.
And he whatsapp me that hes coming and like to meet me to pass the bekas hantaran and discuss things.
I was relieved! Finally sense gets into his mine to be a man and communicate.

I didnt know that night will be the last time Il becoming a fiance.

He totally block his mind and himself from any kind of discussion. Basically he only wanna hear what he wanna hear. Every time I try to explain with a very calm tone, he will block and snap it out. So, he is still the same. Frustration and red face was the only thing I could express. I gave up with this kinda attitude. He do not want to discuss a thing!!

And he ask, do I still wanna continue this engagement.
I said, of course! Yes we had a fight but that doesn't mean we have to give up.

I mean this is not high school weh! This has involved families! This has cost my pride and lots of money!

And he quoted ' I dont think we should'

I was about to feel..am I being dumped? No this is not a high school break up..This is real man. U could not simply ditch me after every only God knows.

U ask me to marry you. U met my parents to get me to marry u. And now u wanna end it as if I was nothing!

I continued my diner. Even I felt like swallowed sands.
I maintained my coolness. Deep inside I was totally shattered.

I ask if his parents knew about this.. and of course. Only immature man will do those kinda immature and selfish decision. They didnt know.

I brought him to meet his parents!! I wonder who is the man in the relationship.

Otw to the hotel, I called Nurul, tried to get some soothing words. I rasa mcm nak nangis..but I didnt. But I really need to talk to someone. My voice was shaking. She tried her best to calm me down and ask me to drive carefully. She advised to maintain my coolness and not to burst out. Show that im not the bad guy here.

In the room, was his uncle and his parents. Watching some drama. The actress was named Nadia in the drama. And the uncle joked about our similar name. And he said my name sounds like Indonesian name when I told him my full name.

So it started with his mom asked, hows preparation so far?
So I told her what did her son just ask.
And his parents surprised with the news.
I told his mom so many times...I never ever have a thought to end it. He wants it. He didnt even wanna stay in the hotel room to face the problem he had caused.

The mother ask me to calm down and not to worry. She will try to talk to her son.
She ask me not to tell my parents about it.
She even accompanied me to my car that was parked in the dark basement.
She said she will call.

On the way back, Zul returned my calls before. I share everything with him. He ask me to be patience and not to jump into conclusion. Things are not finalized yet and he said that the guy will come into his senses once hes okay.

I just felt relieved when he acted that way. He was not being bias. He know me so well and he did make me calm. He felt sorry for me. He just want me to be happy but I keep on being tested with all this bullshit.

I waited for 2 days.
I call, and the mother cant talk.

I wait for another 2 weeks. I still havent shared with my mom.
During those 2 killing weeks, I felt so vulnerable. I couldn't bear the thoughts of how my father would respond to the news. Iv been arranging my words on how to tell my parents.The engagement was not even last for a month! Decision like this would have been thought for some time, and uv decided to spill the shit after the engagement? Where is your senses?

After 2 weeks, the mom called me. I was at the office.
She said, her son still sticking to his words.
I wonder if she knocked her son's head and put some wise word in it. He is so childish.
She asked, do i want this too because thats what her son said so.
I said, if he can simply do things like this of course i feel scared already.
And again, I didnt ask for this ending!

I told my mom on the same day at night. I told her everything.
It took me 4 days to tell my father later on.

I dont think abah took it that well. He went up and being silence about it for days.

It was Ramadan, and I have never being tested that great before. Tarawikh was the only time and place I could feel calm. I said my prayers in silence to Him and ask for His guidance. It was the most memorable and meaningful Ramadan.

The parents took another 2 weeks to have guts to call my parents. And that was also after mama sms the shallow guy to face the situation. Abah agreed to meet up after raya.

16th August 2014.

Ayah Nyah and Mak Puan been so nice to join the discussion. Iv made a list of loss I have to bear by myself. Basically it was deposits and expenses that I have paid with my own money for the wedding preparation. The intention was to claim from his side since I wont gain any of it too.




And I just couldnt believe everything that had happened on that day.

No more man.

It is not easy to live with a broken heart. And this heart has been mended for thousand times. Like a broken glass, it wont be that strong anymore.

I had so much things that need to let go but instead it keeps remained in my heart and mind. At some point I managed to forget it and just live happily. But it didn't stay that way for so  long because there's always something or someone who will trigger it back and put me back in the past.

I will never recover. I just survived. But i can never recover and I could never love or accept a man in my life. I will destroy them mentally. End up they will hurt me. Basically I myself caused it. Hence, I know I shouldn't put marriage as one of my goal in my life. Im not capable of accepting a man to be part in my life. There's always something that will make me live in doubt based on past experience. I will always in alert. I didn't let it flow and relax. Im a wreck-ship with so many flaws. No man can handle that.

I should proceed with my plan before all this started again. I was actually okay living single and kinda accept it already. Im prepared to live alone. Until he came and I gave him and myself chance to get hurt again.

I will buy a house and adopt a baby.

I have family and friends for me to turn to. They love me. I can rely on them. I dont think I need another stranger man come and ruined it.

At the moment im still in heartbroken-bitter-dark condition. But it will past. It always does. I always moved on. But then yeah..I wont recover. All this bitter memory will come and visit me once in a while and push me aback again. I dont think there's any man can handle that. Because in the end, all they ever wanted is women to think about them all the time. Seriously im tired of thinking bout that anymore. When will I be cared?

The doomed day continues..

Listening to recitation is the perfume of the souls, the calmer of hearts, and the food of the spirit. Is is one of the most important psychological medicines. It is a source of pleasure, even to some animals – and pleasure in moderation purifies inner energy, enhances the functioning of the faculties, slows down senile decay by driving out its diseases, improves the complexion, and refreshes the entire body. Pleasure in excess, on the other hand, makes the illnesses of the body grow worse.

Abu Nu’aim states, in his Tib an-Nabbi, that the Prophet (Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam) said that the benefits of listening to recitation are increased when it is understood – that is, when its meaning is understood. 

Allah Himself says:…so give good news to My slaves, those who listen to the word and then follow the best of it…(Qur’an: 39.17-18) 

Source: As-Suyuti’s Medicine of the Prophet (Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam)

Last night tarawih(2nd July) proves this.

The imam was 2nd runner up for National Qari competition. 

His recite almost make me in tears. Rasa sebak sangat.. After few days that thing happened, i knew i can find peace during this Ramadan by get involved with Allah's activity.
I felt better..
Then I didnt.

Then I feel like crying all the time.. I cant focus at work.. I keep on questioned and blaming myself..
I read somewhere that we should not take everything personally by blaming ourselves. Its not us, its them. But of course u cant help it from thinking why does ur life keep ended like that..dont u?
I had enough. I gave up. But i still tried.. End up it will just be the same. I should have continued being gave up right?

I do think things happened for reasons. I thought iv found the reason but it didnt went smoothly too. Should I sacrifice more years in my life and continue waiting? 

I know we shouldnt push and put too much hope in anything and just let it be. But im not that kind of person. I like to plan and not being unprepared..

Ya Allah..help me..guide me

Love is all that needed.

I longed for..

someone who feel proud walking next to me.
someone who'll feel happy waking up next to my horror face.
someone who willing to share my laughter and tears.
someone who willing to listen to my never ending conscious and stupid doubt.
someone who calm my nervous wreck with his words.
someone who share his hard and fun times with me.
someone who understand that my nags is because i care.
someone who stay and fight for the relationship.

all this will only works if only..

That someone really love me unconditionally.
That's all needed.

Song

This song brings lots of meaning.
What happened in your past somehow could jeopardize ur future though. My advise to the young ones. Never got ur heart broken too many times. It might got recovered but it never healed. Things happened in ur past will become ur guidance and lesson. Some might caused good but some not.

I think heartbroken could caused negative impact where ul lose faith and trust in guys. It makes u become independent and started to thing that u can embrace the life living on ur own. Like mine, i gave up on guys and started to plan my life living alone. A house of my own and adopted baby was in the plan.

Until, my now fiance came in and changed the whole plan and idea. I never took it wholeheartedly because im still haunted by the toxic experience.

Therefore, what i need is constant assurance that this is real and reliable. This could make u live more happily compare to living alone. This could be the right future.

And i think, to do that..ur partner should not be selfish and thinking bout what he had in his past too. Because, ur a guy! No matter what, u owned the first move. Not us woman. We need to trust more and convinced more. Or it will make no difference either ur there or not.

well at least to a woman like me.

I agreed tolerance if the most important thing. Perhaps too much tolerance could make u feel unworthy. Whats the point of being a partner in a relationship and not being pampered by your guy.

Pampered here is very subjective.
Many of my friends would know, im not the kind who will go for material or physical. Im the kind who look for real love and yeah unfortunately hopeless romantic.
My definition of pampering is all about communication, sharing, trust, care and love. It do sound cliche but thats who i am. Im expecting birthday wish and thoughts rather than a birthday cake.

Hence, thats is my tolerance. I dont count how much money u earn but im calculative on how much time u spare for me. If i feel im not being cared, I will automatically count as im not being loved.

But again, too much of it could make u feel unworthy.

Dear Man

Maybe its me.

And my blind optimism to blame

Or maybe its you.

And your sick need to give love and take it away

And you'll add my name to your long list of traitors who dont understand

And il look back in regret how i ignored when they said

'Run as fast as you can!'