Friendship..

In my life, I dont really have lots of circle of friend actually.
Its either my sis's friends circle or my friends circle.

The etiquette of friendship is one of the most important thing in my life. I respect and obey the rules. Like no stealing people friends? No simply claiming people as BFF when u know they are not really up to your standard of BFF.

So, Im also sensitive to these issues. Esp if u feel u were not counted in the circle pun.. And I always have this thought because theres always someone or something that keep on remind me.
Honestly I pun penat lah to feel unappreciated and feel like I je yang beria..

So iv decided, lets break the circle. Let me myself with only me knowing, exit from the circle slowly.
Im sure my absent will not be realized pun.
Plus I still got my friends to be count on.

I mean whats the point if u can clearly witness that some people do not worship or appreciate u as their friends like u did pun. I dont know bout other people, but i cant tolerate that. I cannot accept knowing that we are not really been thought of.

Call me mega-sensitive bitch.
But i sedar diri.

For example, real friends will never forget to wish u 'Happy Birthday'. esp now it got flooded at your FB wall. Theres no way u could have missed it.

And, why does i never see my picture in ur IG or FB where else theres 'not really close friends' in it. And yet, when theres thing to talk about, I was all ears to u?

Im not complaining or mengungkit.. But it bothers me..So..

Kids of mine

Lately,

Whenever i see babies or kids with their parents holding hands or parents bring their kids to shop for baju raya or looking at the grumpy faces because they cant tolerate with their mommy's shopping spree..

Will get me in tears..

Not that bad coz i will hurriedly wipe it away..

Because i dont know if i will ever get that one big dream of mine to become true..

Because i dont know if il ever open my heart to trust a man anymore..

No more man.

It is not easy to live with a broken heart. And this heart has been mended for thousand times. Like a broken glass, it wont be that strong anymore.

I had so much things that need to let go but instead it keeps remained in my heart and mind. At some point I managed to forget it and just live happily. But it didn't stay that way for so  long because there's always something or someone who will trigger it back and put me back in the past.

I will never recover. I just survived. But i can never recover and I could never love or accept a man in my life. I will destroy them mentally. End up they will hurt me. Basically I myself caused it. Hence, I know I shouldn't put marriage as one of my goal in my life. Im not capable of accepting a man to be part in my life. There's always something that will make me live in doubt based on past experience. I will always in alert. I didn't let it flow and relax. Im a wreck-ship with so many flaws. No man can handle that.

I should proceed with my plan before all this started again. I was actually okay living single and kinda accept it already. Im prepared to live alone. Until he came and I gave him and myself chance to get hurt again.

I will buy a house and adopt a baby.

I have family and friends for me to turn to. They love me. I can rely on them. I dont think I need another stranger man come and ruined it.

At the moment im still in heartbroken-bitter-dark condition. But it will past. It always does. I always moved on. But then yeah..I wont recover. All this bitter memory will come and visit me once in a while and push me aback again. I dont think there's any man can handle that. Because in the end, all they ever wanted is women to think about them all the time. Seriously im tired of thinking bout that anymore. When will I be cared?

The doomed day continues..

Listening to recitation is the perfume of the souls, the calmer of hearts, and the food of the spirit. Is is one of the most important psychological medicines. It is a source of pleasure, even to some animals – and pleasure in moderation purifies inner energy, enhances the functioning of the faculties, slows down senile decay by driving out its diseases, improves the complexion, and refreshes the entire body. Pleasure in excess, on the other hand, makes the illnesses of the body grow worse.

Abu Nu’aim states, in his Tib an-Nabbi, that the Prophet (Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam) said that the benefits of listening to recitation are increased when it is understood – that is, when its meaning is understood. 

Allah Himself says:…so give good news to My slaves, those who listen to the word and then follow the best of it…(Qur’an: 39.17-18) 

Source: As-Suyuti’s Medicine of the Prophet (Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam)

Last night tarawih(2nd July) proves this.

The imam was 2nd runner up for National Qari competition. 

His recite almost make me in tears. Rasa sebak sangat.. After few days that thing happened, i knew i can find peace during this Ramadan by get involved with Allah's activity.
I felt better..
Then I didnt.

Then I feel like crying all the time.. I cant focus at work.. I keep on questioned and blaming myself..
I read somewhere that we should not take everything personally by blaming ourselves. Its not us, its them. But of course u cant help it from thinking why does ur life keep ended like that..dont u?
I had enough. I gave up. But i still tried.. End up it will just be the same. I should have continued being gave up right?

I do think things happened for reasons. I thought iv found the reason but it didnt went smoothly too. Should I sacrifice more years in my life and continue waiting? 

I know we shouldnt push and put too much hope in anything and just let it be. But im not that kind of person. I like to plan and not being unprepared..

Ya Allah..help me..guide me

Love is all that needed.

I longed for..

someone who feel proud walking next to me.
someone who'll feel happy waking up next to my horror face.
someone who willing to share my laughter and tears.
someone who willing to listen to my never ending conscious and stupid doubt.
someone who calm my nervous wreck with his words.
someone who share his hard and fun times with me.
someone who understand that my nags is because i care.
someone who stay and fight for the relationship.

all this will only works if only..

That someone really love me unconditionally.
That's all needed.

Me. Heartbroken. Again

Basically my feeling at the moment.

Call me expressive, i thought thats important.. 

Compared to shut down?