Signing the SPA

Today mark the day where i finally bought my own house.
The house hunting took a year.. and once iv laid my eyes on the one, there’s no turning back. Alhamdulillah the process went so smooth from getting the loans(even got negotiated) until to the spa signing today.. i felt so relieved, achieving and proud of myself.

Owh what makes me writing here again? Haha..
I dont know why, but iv found my old blogger(memoirs of dya) and read through it.. owh my, how my perspectives never changed till now. How im skeptical on marriage and men and believe women must be independent.. haha never changed.

Yes im married for a year now.. and yes what i thought bout it before turn out to be true. Marriage is indeed not that fun. Its just about having companion and breeds. Allah still feels that its still not the right time to have baby yet so i redha. But i just keep questioning, does it all worth it to sacrifice my life in a marriage until it happened?

Regardless. iv passed the ‘getting married’ phase at least. So there’s wedding pictures on the shelves.
And there’s a man living under one roof with me. Happy? Yet to be found.

At the age of 36, im married, own a car and a house..Alhamdulillah..

💗

Freelanc a.k.a Unemployed

its almost been 3 months im staying home working freelance..
and i fucking lovin it!!!

muahahaha...

im just afraid that i cannot accept any other way of living anymore..woah..scary kan..
because i still wanna live in my own house on my own.. and in doin that i need stabil income..means i still need to work..huhu

owh rasa macam nak buat my goals in 3 years time (its 3 years before im 35)

1. Buy my house!
2. Travel to Europe
3. Taking 1 year Master in London
4. Travel, travel, travel
5. Live happily

Owh..i de gak terfikir2 nak cari laki kaya buat laki for me dont have to work...
Hahaha..how things changed right? I always thought that i cant be the one who stay home even laki support..but now i think i can :D
Because life so stress free.. except bila xdak du laa..huhu

Clash of Clan

Haha.. never mistaken me for someone who are not a game person..I love games esp computer games. And now theres phone games. I had this installed in my iPhone when the game started to get famous, but then i stopped playing because it require lots of your time and commitment. I mean the upgrading required like 8hours-2days! Memang x jadi keja la..This is the kind of strategy game which i love. It involves war and defense, teamwork and intelligent. 

So now with my flexible time..between handling my freelance task with Zainal and staying at home or sleepover at my girlfriends house..or just go out and drive..Im now able to play it 100%. And since I joined Nudin and Afif group : Malayneum..memang terus lekat laa.. 

So, im doing this freelance thing assisting Zainal in getting funds or grant to companies. Sort of things that i did in OSA. And Zainal will pay! So good enough.

Owh.. Im so glad im able to go out from the house and do work like I used to love to do before. How weird meeting people could make my day. Owh for a marketing person, it is a bout meeting people. However most of the time we are more like been fake and pretending to like the people..LOL..yea..thats the truth. Esp when I did sales, its like before entering the room, I will put up my sales mask and the acting started. Yea sometime u got annoyed and pissed dealing with fuckers who think they own the world just because the decision at their hands..and yet u still need to smile.

But the best thing about marketing job, to listen and gather other people experience and knowledge. Listening and observing their achievement, the way they communicate, and go to places like Petronas, Surgeon's room, Ministry of Defense (iv been to the minister room once) enough to make me feel superior.

And i love that part so much. I love to feel important. I love to enter every ministry in Putrajaya and sometime went to the highest floor. I love to sit in one table with big shots and dine. 

Just like COC, with the right strategy, I could get access to this people and places, and once I managed to place myself in the war clan, I could win when my strategy works. ;)

Been there, done that.

Im kinda feel sorry for my sis and some of my single girlfriends that still put boyfriend as one of life target and getting heartbroken every-now and then. I mean, after the unsuccessful engagement, Im actually become better at not thinking and putting that as priority anymore.

Now i know how does it feel when one had a divorce and the feeling of 'its okay been there done that'.. How to elaborate this yea?

Alright. I had taste the moment and celebration one of the important day in one's life and once it did not succeed, I feel like its ok..'been there,done that'. We have spent and the preparation was overwhelmed. Even the day was so beautiful with the fresh flower, presence of close family and friends. I was even count the day as my own family and friends gathering. And when the bastard party demolish all that, Im kinda like okay lets not giving chance to this kinda people to do that again to me and my family.

So, my point is, thanks to that (surprisingly), it have make me to eye on other important part of my life that is more important and challenging and fun. Like plan to further my Master in London, or quit this stupid Bumiputera Malay minded job and picking apple in Australia or simply spent any cents left in the account to simply purchase flight ticket for vacation.

And boyfriend or marriage has become not that interesting anymore. Because there's too much other things that you cant enjoyed anymore once ur settled down. Seriously, Iv witnessed many my older married girlfriends that envy another single life girlfriend that been jumping from Dubai to London and back to Dubai just because she cant stand the coldness ;D

And I know I wont be drown in enviousness because I still got chance to do that.

I know its hard to advise and explain this to my sister because she did not went through this life experience yet (and I hope she never will). I hope she will skip this part, and manage to enjoy this other things and only then found The Boyfriend and settled down.

Admittedly, boyfriend is fun to have around, but dont deny it they actually a stress contributor as well. I enjoyed a man's company but once Im not, I dont mind to end it and you go figure how to deal with it.

Marriage and its effect

Not to be judgmental, but I am more sure of myself that marriage doesn't guaranteed you happiness.

I have few gf that are having marriage problem at the moment and the tie mostly have been 8-10 years old. Its not that I'm taking their experience to be my guidance, but I always knew deep in myself that I don't trust the arrangement anymore. I mean me myself getting difficult in compromise with man and what else with the laws family? Iv realized that u can live happily with your family and friends and reach ur dream easier and in control with ur life.

Of course some say that I haven't found the right guy to switch my belief, and marriage is ibadah yg dituntut Allah, and ur getting pahala in doin that.

My point is, whats the use if after all the good deeds have been done, in the end there's possibility of discontinuity and unhappiness?

I mean man will always be man. There's always chances u'll be abandoned and the worst u stuck in an unhappy marriage. Woman will always be the one who have to feel ashamed even she dont have to. The one that will carry all the burden and not to lay eyes on other man or you'll be labelled.

But it gets funnier if the women managed to get married again and happier..then you'll be exempted from all those claims. I mean how and when would we know we are gonna be at that point and will we?

Things are much different compared to our parents time. Women were more patient and obey. They were dependent and scared of thinking that they will live alone as J.

Nowadays? No man, no trouble.

Getting out of the country...

Urgghh reading about stupid people who dont know about why we are boycotting, really put me in a state where I could not think of something nice anymore.

Im getting frustrated with the country already. Actually dah lama..but the reasons keep on coming and increasing. And the idea of getting out the country getting greater.

With the unjust law, poor implementation, increasing crimes..and of course..the huge percentage of shallow citizen. I know people got the right to think and say anything, and exactly! I got the right to feel this way too. Sometimes dealing with shallow minded colleagues also play part to this frustration. U just tired to response because u know it getting nowhere and let them live in false.

I know we always need to be fair in our thoughts too, and I will make effort to read or ask bout the opposite info and opinion. And with that taken care of, I stand with my belief. My points are backed with facts and logic.

Okay..actually point dia..This idea of study or working abroad keep on lingering in my mind. K.Long plak dok bg support. And iv been doing some survey and research. Theres few ways in doing that. The only thing that hold me are:

1. My never ending Degree.. I know I should focus more on this from now on.
2. My monthly fixed expense..the car,asb,insurance,phone.. Whos gonna pay that?

Owh basically only this two. Im single and not gonna get married real soon..so this is my time!!
So how eh..I x sabar dah sbanrnya..

Fun thing to do.. age 31 life crisis.

I think i need to do or search for some fun activity lah..
activities that will make me feel im living my life again..

Gym ke eh? Idk..maybe..it was fun though..except that i need to settle the remaining fees :|

Singer?
I cant stop thinking those 2 offers that will always haunted me with regrets.
One: 3piece band at Eastin hotel. But seriously i think il have a showmanship problem. Believe it or not..i sangat lah malu and kaku on stage :D
Two: Offered to do recording for single.. The prob was must based in JB. But the composer would like to promote the song as drama or film soundtrack.. My biggest regret ever. But how lah to quit job and stay in JB? Sapa nak bayaq my expenses every month? huhu..sedey sangat.

So, now iv been thinking what should i get myself into without conflicted my permanent boring job. Hmmm..
Iv tried business on my own before..Iv tried FB business..iv tried baby clothing booth business..

Should I get back to my own trading business? abah mentioned it last weekend as if he knew iv been thinking bout it too. The problem is, with this inflexible working method in this company, how can i go out and meeting client or looking for jobs? And with the new MOF system that required an office now, will i able to allocate few amount from my basic salary to pay the monthly rent? All reason seems risky.

But seriously i feels my life is getting dull now.
With no partner to act as one.. Im basically living like singles. With parents.

I feel like taking risk and renting for my own place.
Financially it does not allowed it, but at least there's something new to venture into.

Hmmmmmmm...

Work Sucks!

Honestly, i dislike my job here.
I dont hate it, but theres no motivation or attraction that could wake me up early in the morning with happy heart.
Everyday, i dont feel like going to work.

It got to do with the uninteresting benefit here..no  mileage claim and no commission. And of course typical Bumiputera company. Poor management and implementation. I think i had enough working in a bumiputera company already.
Basically what im earning here is a basic salary to pay my expenses monthly and another year of working experience. Thats it. No extra income..no fun.

Maybe the only positive thing that i can think of is that with this working experience related to Oil n Gas industry..it could be my stepping stone to a big company..like Petronas. Iv always wanted to work in Petronas. With their benefits and pay and yes experience..I could see myself settling down there.

And its nearer to my house. Like 10 minutes away?

But how long can i endure this 'takda hati' working here..

Unhappy things actually can bring yourself down worst than u think of. It affect my mood, my motivation and my behavior too!

Dear God, help me with this. I know iv been asking too much with little return to U...but please help me giving solution on this.TQ

Reason to change

There are only few reason why I wanted changes so bad but there will be millionth of result if i manage to get even one changes.

The path was great and still is. Perhaps its about the repetition and same cause and effect that bore me. The outing, the people, the spending, the principle i think still pretty much the same. And that seem to be my problem. Because its the same!

Hamba Allah yang lemah, never think and feel have enough.

I believe, living apart from certain people could give myself clearer perspective in life and other thing. I think its about time for me to have my own space and my own kinda living. I have lived many ways, im sure living alone is one of the best. 

I wish my life is not shadowed by some same people anymore. U know the problem with people, they felt good helping people, but sometime they didn't  realized its better if they didn't help at all. Note to self! I always thought people will appreciate my help, but u know they don't when u still get ur feeling hurt by them. 

Every time i pray to god, i always seriously ask for happiness in my life. Quite the opposite looking at my smiley face all the time huh.. And always ask for calm and content mind and heart. I cant explain by what, but im sure living in my own house myself is one of it.