Reason to change

There are only few reason why I wanted changes so bad but there will be millionth of result if i manage to get even one changes.

The path was great and still is. Perhaps its about the repetition and same cause and effect that bore me. The outing, the people, the spending, the principle i think still pretty much the same. And that seem to be my problem. Because its the same!

Hamba Allah yang lemah, never think and feel have enough.

I believe, living apart from certain people could give myself clearer perspective in life and other thing. I think its about time for me to have my own space and my own kinda living. I have lived many ways, im sure living alone is one of the best. 

I wish my life is not shadowed by some same people anymore. U know the problem with people, they felt good helping people, but sometime they didn't  realized its better if they didn't help at all. Note to self! I always thought people will appreciate my help, but u know they don't when u still get ur feeling hurt by them. 

Every time i pray to god, i always seriously ask for happiness in my life. Quite the opposite looking at my smiley face all the time huh.. And always ask for calm and content mind and heart. I cant explain by what, but im sure living in my own house myself is one of it.

Be thankful..

Looking at other people happiness, achievement or lucky makes me feel

'Good for them, lucky them, they deserve it'

Looking at other people downfall, misfortune, struggle makes me feel

'Im so lucky to have what i have in my life'

Looking at other people who are lucky and had achieved something but still dissatisfy towards other luckiness and achievement makes me feel

'Im so glad i didn't turn out to be like one because they don't know what they have and should be thankful enough. Perhaps thats the reason why i don't always get everything that i want so jealousy and bad desire wont control my mind. Theres a goodness to people like me, where difficulties thought me more about patience, controlled bad thinking and thankful for what i have earned MYSELF..

Positive thinking

One of my guy colleagues somehow said something that struck me instantly.
He ask me to think and believe everyday this:

I will get married to a good guy and be rich.

All this was because i have said bluntly ' i dont wanna think about relationship anymore for this 2013'
hahahahaaha..

He said, what u believe and think everyday, eventually will turn out to be true..
I personally dont really fancy this guy honestly.
Because he kinda like poyo..
But what made his words stuck in my mind was because his ability to make people listen to him. Work related or not!
He can be reliable..with his references to Nabi Muhammad and all..
He is a Haji though..

So just now during my Asar, i did doa for it...
 I will get married to a good guy and be rich.
:)

30th bday celebration?

Ookay its way ling to go to my 30th bday.. And iv already thinking bout the celebration..
Well i did celebrated a mini brunch-wash n blow- celebration kinda way with Leen today.. Its her birthday today!! And i couldn't felt more happier or lucky to make her day. I just hope i left some mark in her special day despite our weird hard to explain friendship. It just complicated. But nothing matters when we meet up every time, its like we just had the last meeting few days before that. We still shared everything together. So it works for me.

I just hope i could do something to myself on my bday this year. Its like more to appreciate and treat myself for being such a tough person, still kind hearted, helpful to those who needed and cant resist in advising ppl, try the best for being a good friend and many more. I might be known as a damn hell sensitive and emotional person and garang and negative, but hell im sure i never actually do bad things to ppl.

I never played guys heart. Im sure bout my feeling and i wont give false hope even i just want his companion when i have no one else. I never cheat.
I never do crazy things like kantoikan org where the result could destroy a life!
I never take advantage on my friends on purpose. I seriously dont. I may had sometimes borrowed some money or things but thats because i never ever mind when it come to my money or things. Maybe thats bad bcoz not all ppl think like me.
Even how much i dont want to, but i cant help to say the right things and advise as best as i can.

Overall, all above is tiring and stressed me out sometimes. Because sometimes i feel like needed advise and right words to hear. Not just simply attack and don't bother how i felt. I did feel lonely even i still surrounded with good friend. Maybe im the one who dint know how to handle when they actually did.

Thats why, now, i try not to bother and tired to advise anymore. Let it be. I don't know if its a real friend criteria. But i guess my mind need to be prioritized first.

So i think i need to plan big for this celebration. I hope i managed to do some huuugeee savings. With that NY lah, istanbul lah, bangkok lah in plan.. I dont know..

My dream life?

I've discovered!

The reason to my obsession towards kids..

Im so into in having changes in my life..or at least new. I guess if it destined not to happen in my life, perhaps i could apply it to another new life.

All i ever wanted or thinking or planned in my corrupted mind..is another life..another way of brought up and another result, it could be another bitter sweet but it was based on how it supposed to be, therefore it wont at least turn out to be like mine.

Things like make me become who I am now.

I would want my kids to have a harmonious up bringing and full of love.

I would advise them since beginning about heart breaker and not to be one.

They would know how to share almost everything with me without thinking the parents-kids barrier.. I would want to ask for their opinion and thoughts..

They would have known the consequences of stick to one boyfriend throughout so many years and how bad  the damage could be. Loyalty is 3 years tops! More than that u are stupid..and life will be meaningless when u wont be having more than 1 boyfriend to at least make u feel good about urself.

No matter what, never allowed a guy or a girl to make u losing urself. From sweet to bitter. From kind hearted to sceptical. From laugh to 1 line smile. From positive to negative.

I would want them to have their own space when the time comes and not planning to ditch ur parents behind at all.

They would know and believed that love is not a bad thing..Marriage is not the end of your life..Because they have brought up with loveable and thoughtful parents..

They know that they can always turn to Allah when everything else feels wrong..

I am grateful with the experience and memories that i have earned throughout my life. And I wouldn't want to change it since i know theres no use to. I mean it already happened and I just have to bear with what will happened next. But I wouldnt want my kids to have the kind of life that I have. Since i think theres nothing much of fun or sweet about it. I am not the good luck kinda person. I always have to go through difficulties in everything! I mean everything. What I am now is because i survived and have a tough heart and mind. But i do wish things could change into something more easier and happier.

Life is tough.

Happy 2013!!!

1/1/2013.

Happy 2013!!!

Yeay!!

Last night was awesome spending time with my best girlfriends..perhaps maybe happier without the guys.. :|
It went well just like how i imagined it. A tasty dinner, dressed up diva, taking pics-upload it instantly, dance a bit and go home. Thats all i ask for my awesome new year celebration and its worth every penny (hair,new dress and dinner)

Money indeed very important. But for me i dont want to trade money for happiness. I mean I dont want to be controlled or 'bought' just because iv been spent by someone. Its quite annoying dont u think. Just because u pay doesnt mean anything later must be under your direction. Your mood, your wants and your drama. Seriously it makes me sick. I could have pay it myself! Or if i couldnt afford it, I could have just stayed in rather than to face what to be known as ... usualness of yours.

Enough with the drama will you?
Some people just didnt realize that drama is fun to be watched if it happens once or twice. But when it happens every time, people get annoyed ookay. I dont even want to spend time with these drama maker any more  Because unlike other insensitive and emotionless people, it did disturbed me. I know it is not my issue but its my night!

Gosh..seriously im so glad im single and available and having fun!;D

Newme.

Merry Christmas to those who are supposed to celebrate and also to those who shouldn't but thought what the heck..its just a tree..yea.. Go ahead..whateva.

5 more days to go to new year!! to next year!! to 2013!! to 30. Me.

I literally cant wait to celebrate the new year eve despite not knowing what the year will bring me into. I guess life is fun on its own. Too much strict planning and hesitation will ruin the adventure of it. What matter is ORGANIZING! that was what iv been doing. (at least that what i thought) :D

If u plan to live your life without organizing? might as well u just live in the jungle, where u don't care about work or house or your car! Owh i do care about my 2012 Resolution..yea remember? I think iv ticked most of it. Okay im not gonna track back the list..but let see how was my achievement..

1. Gym
I did assign for it!!!yeay me!!! even i stop visiting it after the fasting month (that was the excuse). I know i shouldn't when i did experienced result..My body was slimmer and light..and i sang better too. u know from the breathing exercise..perhaps next year il continue in my own apartment with the gym provided downstairs..pfft :)

2. House
Ookkaayy..i supposed to start with car which at least will explained the non-ticked house. If im not mistaken i did put it either car or house, didnt i? yeay so car it is! im sure and hope il get the my own house for living on next year.

3. Car
Yeayy...i got a new car...lets deliberate it more on later post..the main point is i finally finished paying my old beloved padaiyapa and intent to keep it by passed it to afif..and successfully bought a new car!!

4. Debt free
Well i like to put aside the new car and on going repayment PTPTN so i will think as im a debt free woman!! I have no credit card and i survived!!

I pretty sure that was the main points.
Apart from it..well u know..wedding..marriage..kids..bla bla..
I guess my planning to start producing babies on my 30 so that the eldest will be 20 when im 50 didnt really work out. But its okay..i totally okay with it..
I know its sounds weird when i just like totally crossed during my previous post regarding this topic..haha
But seriously..im okay already..yes. :)

I just had this new perspective.. Well it happened since i started to read those motivational hormones books i guess..and it continued with the Carrie novel, Summer and the City..and the climax was yesterday!Yes yesterday while i was helping my CEO and as usual once finished we like to talk bout man and woman. I suddenly felt everything we talked about all this while has taking effect.

I never appreciate the advantages of being single. All i ever complained was about my age,hormones,not getting married and not having kids..

I didn't know that how much trouble and fuss i have avoided when in relationship. Don't bullshit and tell me no its not. Even i was only in one serious relationship, but throughout the years iv been with many man and boys. I could be happier by not being controlled and needed explanation over stupid things where guys like to brought up when actually they did it all the time. E.g: not answering the phone..duh!

I could go anywhere i like. Surprisingly u may not realize this, but your parents even permit easier than the boyfie. The heck..macamla da kawin..and of course when ur married..apatah lg la kan..i pity to those girls who married a possessor freak. U cannot go anywhere!!! and yet by he went out with the boys until late night seems like a point that shouldn't be questioned! The fuck. I could not tolerate that. My principle is simple. Man and woman are equal in everything. Why must we agreed with them saying it vice versa?

Freedom with your friends, family and even stranger!!;) Why do people cheat?both sex. Because it natural and syaitan tu ada. Unless u really ready to settle down and even forgot to stalk hunkies walk right in front u, then i agreed this is not a prob. But if u feel to wear as if u singles and attraction by opposite sex other than ur hubby is needed..then u are trapped!and i feel terribly sorry to this group.. I could go to a cafe or club and flaunt whatever i have to be flaunted and flirt. I can have fun by doing this and the feeling that u still on the market without doubt, is the best ever.

The insecurity that i will posses if i married is the hideous of them all. Holding ur guys hands as if he will run away is pathetic. I could sense and track this kinda movement. Honestly im so mad when it comes this kind woman. Cant u feel good of urself and be superior at ur work or even home!? U could work and earn the same. U have the same quality inside out. At home u could do more by know how to cook and taking care the house and kids. Why must u feel unprotected when ur guy turn out to be unexpected. Let them be! With all the criteria u possessed u could live by yourself and even control the world!

That is why i feel so relieved not to have to go through all this stress source.
Happiness is myself.
I designed and destined it how i want it to be.
I dont want to be happy based on a man.
I dont have to rely on man's money to live.

One day it will come naturally. And i will have kids on my own. InshaAllah. :)