Mommy daughter issue.

this post caused by one episode in Kardashian series apparently...
yea i like watching them. For me the girls are thriving to live their life richly and they know what they need to do. And i do respect on how they can tolerate with the very minimum privacy having 5 cameraman all the time in their house (i saw in Kendal's keek)..

So it was about Kourtney having emotional issue with her mom. Shes having problem where she always giving attitude to Kris. Which is, similar to what im having too. Im so relief to know that im not alone. U know its terrible to think about it when ur in ur 30s to do so.. But she was more on shes carried a baby girl and just found out about Kris's previous scandal and lead to divorcement, and shes been badly affected by it thinking that she wouldnt do that to her children..ever.

I tried to find one tune that can relate to me and at least learn on how I could overcome it.
So she visit her personal therapist and share the issue.

Basically its all about late age and hormones attack. Tick.
U have problem dealing with ur mom's mistake. Tick
U didnt share it with ur boyfriend/father to the children. Err Tick?

Im sure its about quarter age crisis again.. The age and hormones and whatnot.
Im having difficulties to accept that shes willing to let her life being controlled by a man.. I know im talking about my own father here. But i think, I would look up on her more if she fought a bit for herself. If she do not have to be too dependent on her husband. If she could have say in the house. Because she didnt realized, it had affected me in some way.

But then again, jodoh di tangan Allah. She were meant to be with him. I could see how they need each other and continue surviving because they have each other. I just have this thought that it would be different if im in her shoe.

Yes, I basically have no one to share to. When Zul was around, he would be the one who listen and digest. I did share with some people,my girlfriends, but u know again the limitation because they have lots more on their plate and couldn't come out with one good calm solution. I dont think i wanna hear things that i knew. If only therapist is cheap. I think I have lots going on inside me, thanks to solat i could still think soundly.

Lastly, the only solution is to accept my mother's mistake (even without her knowledge of the mistake) and remember that 'syurga di bawah kaki ibu'. To accept that it were meant to be. To accept that it has been set up by Allah. And to pray more, so that i will open my heart sincerely to men. I need to try to eliminate some judgmental perception towards men.

So i will believe in marriage again.

Reason to change

There are only few reason why I wanted changes so bad but there will be millionth of result if i manage to get even one changes.

The path was great and still is. Perhaps its about the repetition and same cause and effect that bore me. The outing, the people, the spending, the principle i think still pretty much the same. And that seem to be my problem. Because its the same!

Hamba Allah yang lemah, never think and feel have enough.

I believe, living apart from certain people could give myself clearer perspective in life and other thing. I think its about time for me to have my own space and my own kinda living. I have lived many ways, im sure living alone is one of the best. 

I wish my life is not shadowed by some same people anymore. U know the problem with people, they felt good helping people, but sometime they didn't  realized its better if they didn't help at all. Note to self! I always thought people will appreciate my help, but u know they don't when u still get ur feeling hurt by them. 

Every time i pray to god, i always seriously ask for happiness in my life. Quite the opposite looking at my smiley face all the time huh.. And always ask for calm and content mind and heart. I cant explain by what, but im sure living in my own house myself is one of it.

Be thankful..

Looking at other people happiness, achievement or lucky makes me feel

'Good for them, lucky them, they deserve it'

Looking at other people downfall, misfortune, struggle makes me feel

'Im so lucky to have what i have in my life'

Looking at other people who are lucky and had achieved something but still dissatisfy towards other luckiness and achievement makes me feel

'Im so glad i didn't turn out to be like one because they don't know what they have and should be thankful enough. Perhaps thats the reason why i don't always get everything that i want so jealousy and bad desire wont control my mind. Theres a goodness to people like me, where difficulties thought me more about patience, controlled bad thinking and thankful for what i have earned MYSELF..

Positive thinking

One of my guy colleagues somehow said something that struck me instantly.
He ask me to think and believe everyday this:

I will get married to a good guy and be rich.

All this was because i have said bluntly ' i dont wanna think about relationship anymore for this 2013'
hahahahaaha..

He said, what u believe and think everyday, eventually will turn out to be true..
I personally dont really fancy this guy honestly.
Because he kinda like poyo..
But what made his words stuck in my mind was because his ability to make people listen to him. Work related or not!
He can be reliable..with his references to Nabi Muhammad and all..
He is a Haji though..

So just now during my Asar, i did doa for it...
 I will get married to a good guy and be rich.
:)

30th bday celebration?

Ookay its way ling to go to my 30th bday.. And iv already thinking bout the celebration..
Well i did celebrated a mini brunch-wash n blow- celebration kinda way with Leen today.. Its her birthday today!! And i couldn't felt more happier or lucky to make her day. I just hope i left some mark in her special day despite our weird hard to explain friendship. It just complicated. But nothing matters when we meet up every time, its like we just had the last meeting few days before that. We still shared everything together. So it works for me.

I just hope i could do something to myself on my bday this year. Its like more to appreciate and treat myself for being such a tough person, still kind hearted, helpful to those who needed and cant resist in advising ppl, try the best for being a good friend and many more. I might be known as a damn hell sensitive and emotional person and garang and negative, but hell im sure i never actually do bad things to ppl.

I never played guys heart. Im sure bout my feeling and i wont give false hope even i just want his companion when i have no one else. I never cheat.
I never do crazy things like kantoikan org where the result could destroy a life!
I never take advantage on my friends on purpose. I seriously dont. I may had sometimes borrowed some money or things but thats because i never ever mind when it come to my money or things. Maybe thats bad bcoz not all ppl think like me.
Even how much i dont want to, but i cant help to say the right things and advise as best as i can.

Overall, all above is tiring and stressed me out sometimes. Because sometimes i feel like needed advise and right words to hear. Not just simply attack and don't bother how i felt. I did feel lonely even i still surrounded with good friend. Maybe im the one who dint know how to handle when they actually did.

Thats why, now, i try not to bother and tired to advise anymore. Let it be. I don't know if its a real friend criteria. But i guess my mind need to be prioritized first.

So i think i need to plan big for this celebration. I hope i managed to do some huuugeee savings. With that NY lah, istanbul lah, bangkok lah in plan.. I dont know..

My dream life?

I've discovered!

The reason to my obsession towards kids..

Im so into in having changes in my life..or at least new. I guess if it destined not to happen in my life, perhaps i could apply it to another new life.

All i ever wanted or thinking or planned in my corrupted mind..is another life..another way of brought up and another result, it could be another bitter sweet but it was based on how it supposed to be, therefore it wont at least turn out to be like mine.

Things like make me become who I am now.

I would want my kids to have a harmonious up bringing and full of love.

I would advise them since beginning about heart breaker and not to be one.

They would know how to share almost everything with me without thinking the parents-kids barrier.. I would want to ask for their opinion and thoughts..

They would have known the consequences of stick to one boyfriend throughout so many years and how bad  the damage could be. Loyalty is 3 years tops! More than that u are stupid..and life will be meaningless when u wont be having more than 1 boyfriend to at least make u feel good about urself.

No matter what, never allowed a guy or a girl to make u losing urself. From sweet to bitter. From kind hearted to sceptical. From laugh to 1 line smile. From positive to negative.

I would want them to have their own space when the time comes and not planning to ditch ur parents behind at all.

They would know and believed that love is not a bad thing..Marriage is not the end of your life..Because they have brought up with loveable and thoughtful parents..

They know that they can always turn to Allah when everything else feels wrong..

I am grateful with the experience and memories that i have earned throughout my life. And I wouldn't want to change it since i know theres no use to. I mean it already happened and I just have to bear with what will happened next. But I wouldnt want my kids to have the kind of life that I have. Since i think theres nothing much of fun or sweet about it. I am not the good luck kinda person. I always have to go through difficulties in everything! I mean everything. What I am now is because i survived and have a tough heart and mind. But i do wish things could change into something more easier and happier.

Life is tough.

Happy 2013!!!

1/1/2013.

Happy 2013!!!

Yeay!!

Last night was awesome spending time with my best girlfriends..perhaps maybe happier without the guys.. :|
It went well just like how i imagined it. A tasty dinner, dressed up diva, taking pics-upload it instantly, dance a bit and go home. Thats all i ask for my awesome new year celebration and its worth every penny (hair,new dress and dinner)

Money indeed very important. But for me i dont want to trade money for happiness. I mean I dont want to be controlled or 'bought' just because iv been spent by someone. Its quite annoying dont u think. Just because u pay doesnt mean anything later must be under your direction. Your mood, your wants and your drama. Seriously it makes me sick. I could have pay it myself! Or if i couldnt afford it, I could have just stayed in rather than to face what to be known as ... usualness of yours.

Enough with the drama will you?
Some people just didnt realize that drama is fun to be watched if it happens once or twice. But when it happens every time, people get annoyed ookay. I dont even want to spend time with these drama maker any more  Because unlike other insensitive and emotionless people, it did disturbed me. I know it is not my issue but its my night!

Gosh..seriously im so glad im single and available and having fun!;D