Dear Man

Maybe its me.

And my blind optimism to blame

Or maybe its you.

And your sick need to give love and take it away

And you'll add my name to your long list of traitors who dont understand

And il look back in regret how i ignored when they said

'Run as fast as you can!'

Triple H

If i were to be tested greater than this after this, i wont be surprised.
Because Allah s.w.t loves me so much.
Sometimes when i think i couldnt handled it, but then i survived! I heartbroken and moved on.
So, i dont really take His test as a burden actually, maybe one im used to it and i know what gonna happened next and how it gonna end.

So dear Triple H, i dont know how long u will linger in my life.
I try to enjoy every single moment i could have with you.. try to be happy with your companion and attention.
I could waste my time waiting for magic powder from angels above, but I have vow on myself, that I wont repeat the same mistake..investing my time for love to happen.
All i could hope ul decide and realize fast...coz i wont be waiting..I always did and always will.

Nevertheless, i appreciate my girlfriends' concerns on this relationship.
They against it because they love me.
I ignore because i wanna enjoy my life.

Dating Apps

Ok, Fara introduced me to this another social networking kinds and i have been using it for 1 week.

It was fun totally!! For the first 2 days. Yeah then i started to feel irritated, pissed with the wrong intention of some guys in it. Some even get direct what is he looking for. Such a shame, to have this stupid group of man come and ruined the good objective of the apps. 

Anyhow, i have been hooked up with few. No dates yet. But, yea i think something is wrong with me. The negativity towards man has always lingers in my mind. Perception, intention and yea rejection. I know its not at the level to have hopes, but im just tired to deal with this initial early bla bla stage already. I wish i can ask em to be what i expected em to be.. Haha yea i know.. Overr la kann..

Well, let just see how it flows. 

How long can i deal with this so called dating network. 

Pfft!

Mommy daughter issue.

this post caused by one episode in Kardashian series apparently...
yea i like watching them. For me the girls are thriving to live their life richly and they know what they need to do. And i do respect on how they can tolerate with the very minimum privacy having 5 cameraman all the time in their house (i saw in Kendal's keek)..

So it was about Kourtney having emotional issue with her mom. Shes having problem where she always giving attitude to Kris. Which is, similar to what im having too. Im so relief to know that im not alone. U know its terrible to think about it when ur in ur 30s to do so.. But she was more on shes carried a baby girl and just found out about Kris's previous scandal and lead to divorcement, and shes been badly affected by it thinking that she wouldnt do that to her children..ever.

I tried to find one tune that can relate to me and at least learn on how I could overcome it.
So she visit her personal therapist and share the issue.

Basically its all about late age and hormones attack. Tick.
U have problem dealing with ur mom's mistake. Tick
U didnt share it with ur boyfriend/father to the children. Err Tick?

Im sure its about quarter age crisis again.. The age and hormones and whatnot.
Im having difficulties to accept that shes willing to let her life being controlled by a man.. I know im talking about my own father here. But i think, I would look up on her more if she fought a bit for herself. If she do not have to be too dependent on her husband. If she could have say in the house. Because she didnt realized, it had affected me in some way.

But then again, jodoh di tangan Allah. She were meant to be with him. I could see how they need each other and continue surviving because they have each other. I just have this thought that it would be different if im in her shoe.

Yes, I basically have no one to share to. When Zul was around, he would be the one who listen and digest. I did share with some people,my girlfriends, but u know again the limitation because they have lots more on their plate and couldn't come out with one good calm solution. I dont think i wanna hear things that i knew. If only therapist is cheap. I think I have lots going on inside me, thanks to solat i could still think soundly.

Lastly, the only solution is to accept my mother's mistake (even without her knowledge of the mistake) and remember that 'syurga di bawah kaki ibu'. To accept that it were meant to be. To accept that it has been set up by Allah. And to pray more, so that i will open my heart sincerely to men. I need to try to eliminate some judgmental perception towards men.

So i will believe in marriage again.

Reason to change

There are only few reason why I wanted changes so bad but there will be millionth of result if i manage to get even one changes.

The path was great and still is. Perhaps its about the repetition and same cause and effect that bore me. The outing, the people, the spending, the principle i think still pretty much the same. And that seem to be my problem. Because its the same!

Hamba Allah yang lemah, never think and feel have enough.

I believe, living apart from certain people could give myself clearer perspective in life and other thing. I think its about time for me to have my own space and my own kinda living. I have lived many ways, im sure living alone is one of the best. 

I wish my life is not shadowed by some same people anymore. U know the problem with people, they felt good helping people, but sometime they didn't  realized its better if they didn't help at all. Note to self! I always thought people will appreciate my help, but u know they don't when u still get ur feeling hurt by them. 

Every time i pray to god, i always seriously ask for happiness in my life. Quite the opposite looking at my smiley face all the time huh.. And always ask for calm and content mind and heart. I cant explain by what, but im sure living in my own house myself is one of it.

Be thankful..

Looking at other people happiness, achievement or lucky makes me feel

'Good for them, lucky them, they deserve it'

Looking at other people downfall, misfortune, struggle makes me feel

'Im so lucky to have what i have in my life'

Looking at other people who are lucky and had achieved something but still dissatisfy towards other luckiness and achievement makes me feel

'Im so glad i didn't turn out to be like one because they don't know what they have and should be thankful enough. Perhaps thats the reason why i don't always get everything that i want so jealousy and bad desire wont control my mind. Theres a goodness to people like me, where difficulties thought me more about patience, controlled bad thinking and thankful for what i have earned MYSELF..

Positive thinking

One of my guy colleagues somehow said something that struck me instantly.
He ask me to think and believe everyday this:

I will get married to a good guy and be rich.

All this was because i have said bluntly ' i dont wanna think about relationship anymore for this 2013'
hahahahaaha..

He said, what u believe and think everyday, eventually will turn out to be true..
I personally dont really fancy this guy honestly.
Because he kinda like poyo..
But what made his words stuck in my mind was because his ability to make people listen to him. Work related or not!
He can be reliable..with his references to Nabi Muhammad and all..
He is a Haji though..

So just now during my Asar, i did doa for it...
 I will get married to a good guy and be rich.
:)