No more man.

It is not easy to live with a broken heart. And this heart has been mended for thousand times. Like a broken glass, it wont be that strong anymore.

I had so much things that need to let go but instead it keeps remained in my heart and mind. At some point I managed to forget it and just live happily. But it didn't stay that way for so  long because there's always something or someone who will trigger it back and put me back in the past.

I will never recover. I just survived. But i can never recover and I could never love or accept a man in my life. I will destroy them mentally. End up they will hurt me. Basically I myself caused it. Hence, I know I shouldn't put marriage as one of my goal in my life. Im not capable of accepting a man to be part in my life. There's always something that will make me live in doubt based on past experience. I will always in alert. I didn't let it flow and relax. Im a wreck-ship with so many flaws. No man can handle that.

I should proceed with my plan before all this started again. I was actually okay living single and kinda accept it already. Im prepared to live alone. Until he came and I gave him and myself chance to get hurt again.

I will buy a house and adopt a baby.

I have family and friends for me to turn to. They love me. I can rely on them. I dont think I need another stranger man come and ruined it.

At the moment im still in heartbroken-bitter-dark condition. But it will past. It always does. I always moved on. But then yeah..I wont recover. All this bitter memory will come and visit me once in a while and push me aback again. I dont think there's any man can handle that. Because in the end, all they ever wanted is women to think about them all the time. Seriously im tired of thinking bout that anymore. When will I be cared?

The doomed day continues..

Listening to recitation is the perfume of the souls, the calmer of hearts, and the food of the spirit. Is is one of the most important psychological medicines. It is a source of pleasure, even to some animals – and pleasure in moderation purifies inner energy, enhances the functioning of the faculties, slows down senile decay by driving out its diseases, improves the complexion, and refreshes the entire body. Pleasure in excess, on the other hand, makes the illnesses of the body grow worse.

Abu Nu’aim states, in his Tib an-Nabbi, that the Prophet (Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam) said that the benefits of listening to recitation are increased when it is understood – that is, when its meaning is understood. 

Allah Himself says:…so give good news to My slaves, those who listen to the word and then follow the best of it…(Qur’an: 39.17-18) 

Source: As-Suyuti’s Medicine of the Prophet (Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam)

Last night tarawih(2nd July) proves this.

The imam was 2nd runner up for National Qari competition. 

His recite almost make me in tears. Rasa sebak sangat.. After few days that thing happened, i knew i can find peace during this Ramadan by get involved with Allah's activity.
I felt better..
Then I didnt.

Then I feel like crying all the time.. I cant focus at work.. I keep on questioned and blaming myself..
I read somewhere that we should not take everything personally by blaming ourselves. Its not us, its them. But of course u cant help it from thinking why does ur life keep ended like that..dont u?
I had enough. I gave up. But i still tried.. End up it will just be the same. I should have continued being gave up right?

I do think things happened for reasons. I thought iv found the reason but it didnt went smoothly too. Should I sacrifice more years in my life and continue waiting? 

I know we shouldnt push and put too much hope in anything and just let it be. But im not that kind of person. I like to plan and not being unprepared..

Ya Allah..help me..guide me

Love is all that needed.

I longed for..

someone who feel proud walking next to me.
someone who'll feel happy waking up next to my horror face.
someone who willing to share my laughter and tears.
someone who willing to listen to my never ending conscious and stupid doubt.
someone who calm my nervous wreck with his words.
someone who share his hard and fun times with me.
someone who understand that my nags is because i care.
someone who stay and fight for the relationship.

all this will only works if only..

That someone really love me unconditionally.
That's all needed.

Me. Heartbroken. Again

Basically my feeling at the moment.

Call me expressive, i thought thats important.. 

Compared to shut down?

Fun thing to do.. age 31 life crisis.

I think i need to do or search for some fun activity lah..
activities that will make me feel im living my life again..

Gym ke eh? Idk..maybe..it was fun though..except that i need to settle the remaining fees :|

Singer?
I cant stop thinking those 2 offers that will always haunted me with regrets.
One: 3piece band at Eastin hotel. But seriously i think il have a showmanship problem. Believe it or not..i sangat lah malu and kaku on stage :D
Two: Offered to do recording for single.. The prob was must based in JB. But the composer would like to promote the song as drama or film soundtrack.. My biggest regret ever. But how lah to quit job and stay in JB? Sapa nak bayaq my expenses every month? huhu..sedey sangat.

So, now iv been thinking what should i get myself into without conflicted my permanent boring job. Hmmm..
Iv tried business on my own before..Iv tried FB business..iv tried baby clothing booth business..

Should I get back to my own trading business? abah mentioned it last weekend as if he knew iv been thinking bout it too. The problem is, with this inflexible working method in this company, how can i go out and meeting client or looking for jobs? And with the new MOF system that required an office now, will i able to allocate few amount from my basic salary to pay the monthly rent? All reason seems risky.

But seriously i feels my life is getting dull now.
With no partner to act as one.. Im basically living like singles. With parents.

I feel like taking risk and renting for my own place.
Financially it does not allowed it, but at least there's something new to venture into.

Hmmmmmmm...

Work Sucks!

Honestly, i dislike my job here.
I dont hate it, but theres no motivation or attraction that could wake me up early in the morning with happy heart.
Everyday, i dont feel like going to work.

It got to do with the uninteresting benefit here..no  mileage claim and no commission. And of course typical Bumiputera company. Poor management and implementation. I think i had enough working in a bumiputera company already.
Basically what im earning here is a basic salary to pay my expenses monthly and another year of working experience. Thats it. No extra income..no fun.

Maybe the only positive thing that i can think of is that with this working experience related to Oil n Gas industry..it could be my stepping stone to a big company..like Petronas. Iv always wanted to work in Petronas. With their benefits and pay and yes experience..I could see myself settling down there.

And its nearer to my house. Like 10 minutes away?

But how long can i endure this 'takda hati' working here..

Unhappy things actually can bring yourself down worst than u think of. It affect my mood, my motivation and my behavior too!

Dear God, help me with this. I know iv been asking too much with little return to U...but please help me giving solution on this.TQ

Song

This song brings lots of meaning.
What happened in your past somehow could jeopardize ur future though. My advise to the young ones. Never got ur heart broken too many times. It might got recovered but it never healed. Things happened in ur past will become ur guidance and lesson. Some might caused good but some not.

I think heartbroken could caused negative impact where ul lose faith and trust in guys. It makes u become independent and started to thing that u can embrace the life living on ur own. Like mine, i gave up on guys and started to plan my life living alone. A house of my own and adopted baby was in the plan.

Until, my now fiance came in and changed the whole plan and idea. I never took it wholeheartedly because im still haunted by the toxic experience.

Therefore, what i need is constant assurance that this is real and reliable. This could make u live more happily compare to living alone. This could be the right future.

And i think, to do that..ur partner should not be selfish and thinking bout what he had in his past too. Because, ur a guy! No matter what, u owned the first move. Not us woman. We need to trust more and convinced more. Or it will make no difference either ur there or not.

well at least to a woman like me.

I agreed tolerance if the most important thing. Perhaps too much tolerance could make u feel unworthy. Whats the point of being a partner in a relationship and not being pampered by your guy.

Pampered here is very subjective.
Many of my friends would know, im not the kind who will go for material or physical. Im the kind who look for real love and yeah unfortunately hopeless romantic.
My definition of pampering is all about communication, sharing, trust, care and love. It do sound cliche but thats who i am. Im expecting birthday wish and thoughts rather than a birthday cake.

Hence, thats is my tolerance. I dont count how much money u earn but im calculative on how much time u spare for me. If i feel im not being cared, I will automatically count as im not being loved.

But again, too much of it could make u feel unworthy.