Signing the SPA

Today mark the day where i finally bought my own house.
The house hunting took a year.. and once iv laid my eyes on the one, there’s no turning back. Alhamdulillah the process went so smooth from getting the loans(even got negotiated) until to the spa signing today.. i felt so relieved, achieving and proud of myself.

Owh what makes me writing here again? Haha..
I dont know why, but iv found my old blogger(memoirs of dya) and read through it.. owh my, how my perspectives never changed till now. How im skeptical on marriage and men and believe women must be independent.. haha never changed.

Yes im married for a year now.. and yes what i thought bout it before turn out to be true. Marriage is indeed not that fun. Its just about having companion and breeds. Allah still feels that its still not the right time to have baby yet so i redha. But i just keep questioning, does it all worth it to sacrifice my life in a marriage until it happened?

Regardless. iv passed the ‘getting married’ phase at least. So there’s wedding pictures on the shelves.
And there’s a man living under one roof with me. Happy? Yet to be found.

At the age of 36, im married, own a car and a house..Alhamdulillah..

💗

2016..so far

Its another new year..

Surprisingly it didnt confused me that much every time  i write down the date.. Its either iv been prepared for 2016 or theres nothing vavavoom bout 2016 anymore 😊

Maybe it got to do with the major breakdown in employment history in Malaysia (and myself). I mean this is 2016 not 1997. Shouldnt the development  and technology could save us from feeling unsafe already? 

Because..

1. We are such a small country (easyly manage)

2. We have our own resources and we are talking bout oil and gas here..

 Shouldnt we by now have at least similar to Brunei?

Of course not! And the world knows why.

1. We are becoming Indonesia at last 10years. Bribery and corruption smoothen things up.

2. We value our Rm1 now just like how the Indians value the Ruppee 

3. Criminal? Have u heard bout Mexico or Philiphinnes gangsters? Yes we are living with their kinds in Malaysia now.

See the similarities?

Developing countries.

And we are not developing because we went back to how these country was.

We are 'Not Developing Countries'.

Develop countries encouraged new idea and technology, support the small innovator, protect our idea.. But we are not.

We sell out out country to outsiders. We are still believe in outsiders.. Because of why? Our leaders cannot accept any new idea that could jeopardize their seat or side income.

The rakyat suffers year by year. We could not afford most of the basic things anymore. The gap between the poor and the rich? Have u watch Indonesia sinetron and Philiphinnes dramas?

I could feel that my hope for the country is goin down year by year. So how can i be sure of my dreams can be achieved?

Yes i have too much complaints because this is my level. I complaint as the citizen. 

What do i think i would do if im in power and at the position? 

I would bring all complainers like me to find solution asap and for once lets not think bout our own pocket already.

#pissedandhelplesscitizen

Ambitious

I couldn't help but noticed that many 3series chicks will eventually feel that as if 30 is the end of the age and need to do that and this pronto!

I was and am like that too! Maybe now the adrenalin is not that rush anymore but yea the things to do still there..

I still remember my top list was about getting married and have baby. I was like maniac getting that to be done asap. Untill i got a break off engagement and how that has changed my perspective 360.

Iv realized that things has been set accordingly by Him and if its not meant to be then it is not. We really need to let things flow on its own. Messing our mind with all those checklist will only cause u stress and down.

And i know now that i still need to accomplish things that i wanted before i settled down and have kids on my own.

I need to have my own house and space by living alone. I always want to live alone. So everything will be just my way. My way of getting up, of cooking, of taking care the house, of my leisure time, of having friends come over..

And come to think of this, i dont think im ready to tolerate living with another man in one house and basically sacrifice my space and my single life. 

And i still want to get my Master done in oversea, because i always want to study abroad. I dont think having kids is such a good idea for that purpose.

So, thats explained why theres certain goal were not been granted because Allah knows that im not ready for that yet.

In a way it helps me for not being too desperate in relationship. For not put up high hopes like usual. If it meant to be , it will be. If its not, its still ok.. Because He is preparing other more valuable things for me.

If the guy is the one, he will wait, he will understand, or he will surprisingly changed my mind to KIV my dreams first..

 But until now, theres no such man that could changed my life goal yet.

Freelanc a.k.a Unemployed

its almost been 3 months im staying home working freelance..
and i fucking lovin it!!!

muahahaha...

im just afraid that i cannot accept any other way of living anymore..woah..scary kan..
because i still wanna live in my own house on my own.. and in doin that i need stabil income..means i still need to work..huhu

owh rasa macam nak buat my goals in 3 years time (its 3 years before im 35)

1. Buy my house!
2. Travel to Europe
3. Taking 1 year Master in London
4. Travel, travel, travel
5. Live happily

Owh..i de gak terfikir2 nak cari laki kaya buat laki for me dont have to work...
Hahaha..how things changed right? I always thought that i cant be the one who stay home even laki support..but now i think i can :D
Because life so stress free.. except bila xdak du laa..huhu

X file

Of course u cant help it to keep on stalking the new girlfriend of your exes right?
I know its not healthy.. But trust me il get through it soon enough..I hope..

I knew bout Zul new girlfriend virally when he virally uploaded their pics where Fara and Mas came about it and told me. I was being blocked by my exes (which I dont know whats the purpose)..I mean i would love to show off my life and hoping to make them ..err ..envy? haha i dont know..A girl actions is sometimes not to be questioned.

I seem to have no problem knowing Zul have moved on. I mean, iv come to my senses that maybe Im the one that always be in his way. Its time for him to move to a new girl. Because i love him. I will always be. Hey I still got our pic in my room and I never bothered to remove it. Its bout pure love that hard to explain. Heard bout 'If u love someone enough, U will let the person go'? Because if thats what makes him happy, Il be happy too. Except that of course, dont let the new girl bother me or try to create prob with me. Then Im good.

So that bastard have a new girl too! Wow..it didnt take him long enough to find a new girl to mess up with. Seriously, x rasa bersalah langsung ka? Duit aku pun x bayaq.. Okay I really disturbed with this one. I mean I feel like to approach the new girl and warn her. U dont even have the criteria to be a man let alone someone's boyfriend! Fuck him. yes fuck him!

And to see that the way they started just remind of how he did with me last time. I mean the FB activities and all. And iv noticed they started on his birthday and I bet it was through FB too. Typical no balls bastard.

Did my 'doa orang teraniaya' accepted and granted? I just wonder..
I dont see that he is miserable and yet got a new girlfriend some more.. How the hell he got to move on so easily..Owh yea, i almost forgot.. He didnt loss anything..because he didnt fucking pay anything.. LOSER

What should i do with this one yea?
Or should i do nothing and forgive..?
Owh thats hard..because i dont think i can ever forgive him in million years.
What I can do?
Wishing that he will be rotten not in the afterlife, but now!

Clash of Clan

Haha.. never mistaken me for someone who are not a game person..I love games esp computer games. And now theres phone games. I had this installed in my iPhone when the game started to get famous, but then i stopped playing because it require lots of your time and commitment. I mean the upgrading required like 8hours-2days! Memang x jadi keja la..This is the kind of strategy game which i love. It involves war and defense, teamwork and intelligent. 

So now with my flexible time..between handling my freelance task with Zainal and staying at home or sleepover at my girlfriends house..or just go out and drive..Im now able to play it 100%. And since I joined Nudin and Afif group : Malayneum..memang terus lekat laa.. 

So, im doing this freelance thing assisting Zainal in getting funds or grant to companies. Sort of things that i did in OSA. And Zainal will pay! So good enough.

Owh.. Im so glad im able to go out from the house and do work like I used to love to do before. How weird meeting people could make my day. Owh for a marketing person, it is a bout meeting people. However most of the time we are more like been fake and pretending to like the people..LOL..yea..thats the truth. Esp when I did sales, its like before entering the room, I will put up my sales mask and the acting started. Yea sometime u got annoyed and pissed dealing with fuckers who think they own the world just because the decision at their hands..and yet u still need to smile.

But the best thing about marketing job, to listen and gather other people experience and knowledge. Listening and observing their achievement, the way they communicate, and go to places like Petronas, Surgeon's room, Ministry of Defense (iv been to the minister room once) enough to make me feel superior.

And i love that part so much. I love to feel important. I love to enter every ministry in Putrajaya and sometime went to the highest floor. I love to sit in one table with big shots and dine. 

Just like COC, with the right strategy, I could get access to this people and places, and once I managed to place myself in the war clan, I could win when my strategy works. ;)

14 feb 2015

After that reception thingy, theres another one, the honeymoon thingy plak..

So apart from i already paid for the wedding hall previously, i have also bought the honeymoon trip as well.. To Boracay, Philiphines.

And the day was yesterday prior to nak celebrate the love day as well lah. Konon lah..i bet if it happen, i would spend my days with the locals instead.

And after carefully thought, (it took me months to make this decision) iv decided to replace it with mama. So we can have our moment together and plus shes been expressing bout her staying home and bored. And its Valentine Day, so im sure shes the right candidate.

End up.. Mama being mama.. She invite fara and afif as well. Well thats expected lah dgn mama ni.

Regardless, at least i wont be thinking bout things that happened and affect my long awaited vacay ni. Except that the counter AirAsia girl asked bout that bastard presence. But no it didnt affect me at all. Seriously.. 😚

Im just gonna enjoy the white sand and the blue sea. Lay down and indulge in my book and fruit juice. 

And take lotsa picthaaaa 😝

Little2 things that affect a lot..

I have actually made myself clear that to do something that will make me feel happy first!

For instance, to go out or not, what to cook, to do or not.. Am i gonna be entertained or not. Is it worth my time and money..Yea this example is quite general.

Esp if the things quite cost me and things that im not gonna do every now and then. 

Hence, i think this should be the last for me to do things that make me unhappy and not worth it. For this time around, i got my own reason why i make it happened.

Been there, done that.

Im kinda feel sorry for my sis and some of my single girlfriends that still put boyfriend as one of life target and getting heartbroken every-now and then. I mean, after the unsuccessful engagement, Im actually become better at not thinking and putting that as priority anymore.

Now i know how does it feel when one had a divorce and the feeling of 'its okay been there done that'.. How to elaborate this yea?

Alright. I had taste the moment and celebration one of the important day in one's life and once it did not succeed, I feel like its ok..'been there,done that'. We have spent and the preparation was overwhelmed. Even the day was so beautiful with the fresh flower, presence of close family and friends. I was even count the day as my own family and friends gathering. And when the bastard party demolish all that, Im kinda like okay lets not giving chance to this kinda people to do that again to me and my family.

So, my point is, thanks to that (surprisingly), it have make me to eye on other important part of my life that is more important and challenging and fun. Like plan to further my Master in London, or quit this stupid Bumiputera Malay minded job and picking apple in Australia or simply spent any cents left in the account to simply purchase flight ticket for vacation.

And boyfriend or marriage has become not that interesting anymore. Because there's too much other things that you cant enjoyed anymore once ur settled down. Seriously, Iv witnessed many my older married girlfriends that envy another single life girlfriend that been jumping from Dubai to London and back to Dubai just because she cant stand the coldness ;D

And I know I wont be drown in enviousness because I still got chance to do that.

I know its hard to advise and explain this to my sister because she did not went through this life experience yet (and I hope she never will). I hope she will skip this part, and manage to enjoy this other things and only then found The Boyfriend and settled down.

Admittedly, boyfriend is fun to have around, but dont deny it they actually a stress contributor as well. I enjoyed a man's company but once Im not, I dont mind to end it and you go figure how to deal with it.

Jobs.. Not Steve Jobs.. But my Job

Officially, my last day would be on this coming 9th Feb 2015. Technically, i only got 2 days more to tag my access card and done for good.

I just had enough with typical Malay Bumiputera company. Politics overshadow the benefits. Is it worth it? Def NO! Time to move on.

Iv been reading articles on jobs, dream jobs, moving on, time to leave your job for a better you.. And im sure and believe in myself that im doing the right thing. I shouldnt waste much time living or working unhappily.

New job? Still looking. Not goin to repeat the same mistakes. Grab any for the sake of having a job. This time around, theres a checklist that the job need to look at.. Hoho 😄. The most important and no 1 will be: PASSION

I must love the offer first. Then ill figure how to love it.

How i wish i could just buy a tix and fly to OZ or London, looking for job and apparently there are vacancy for apple picking.. And then i applied for the working permit and without realize iv stayed there for a year!! Auuww bestnya..

Thats the thing.. Its not bout how glamor or corporate or high post the job is anymore.. Its all biut how passion you are with your job. I dont care.. 

Il be unemployed until i found the job that i love!

My brother is married!!

Last 24th January 2015 was the date I personally chose in March 2014 to have supposedly me and Ainuddin's double wedding. Nothing special about the date except that was the only available date for early 2015 and I was totally in love with the place.

Iv been to Duchess Palace, Ampang for 2 times years before, and I knew I have found my dream wedding place. It is a house tent concept and I always wanted that kind. Then I found the Laman Kayangan in Shah Alam which have similar tent house!!Even if the reception gonna be held at our house, I want the tent outside for the reception. I went there for a wedding exhibition in the morning and later in the evening i brought mama and abah and paid the deposit ;D

Regardless, I am so happy to see my brother and my lovely sis in law sit on the dais inside the beautiful tent. Everyone compliment "Such a beautiful wedding'. And I couldn't help from feeling proud and happy because i chose that place :)

Honestly, there was never a slight feeling of sadness or envy for me not being the one who sat on the dais. Im just so happy looking at the bride and groom, my happy parents and all family and friends enjoyed their time in the cozy and beautiful hall. There's nothing i would want except my family got chanced to have the first wedding in the family to be held there.

I know some friends ad relatives feel sorry for me, after what had happened. But I'v recovered and moved on. I dont even shed tears except when abah sang Truly after his speech. Tetiba rasa sebak sat. :')

Overall it was a very beautiful wedding. And I am very happy and relieved everything is done and success. Of course there's hiccups here and there, but the most important thing no body knows ;)

p/s: I still want the tent house if i eventually get married one day ;)

Marriage and its effect

Not to be judgmental, but I am more sure of myself that marriage doesn't guaranteed you happiness.

I have few gf that are having marriage problem at the moment and the tie mostly have been 8-10 years old. Its not that I'm taking their experience to be my guidance, but I always knew deep in myself that I don't trust the arrangement anymore. I mean me myself getting difficult in compromise with man and what else with the laws family? Iv realized that u can live happily with your family and friends and reach ur dream easier and in control with ur life.

Of course some say that I haven't found the right guy to switch my belief, and marriage is ibadah yg dituntut Allah, and ur getting pahala in doin that.

My point is, whats the use if after all the good deeds have been done, in the end there's possibility of discontinuity and unhappiness?

I mean man will always be man. There's always chances u'll be abandoned and the worst u stuck in an unhappy marriage. Woman will always be the one who have to feel ashamed even she dont have to. The one that will carry all the burden and not to lay eyes on other man or you'll be labelled.

But it gets funnier if the women managed to get married again and happier..then you'll be exempted from all those claims. I mean how and when would we know we are gonna be at that point and will we?

Things are much different compared to our parents time. Women were more patient and obey. They were dependent and scared of thinking that they will live alone as J.

Nowadays? No man, no trouble.

Happiness Contributor

It always about wrong time and wrong person.
The moment you feel so comfortable and happy, it always based on the wrong time and person.

How challenging is that?

For me, happiness is always number one. Il do anything to feel happy. Il hang out with friends, plan activities with families....Il spent time with people who can bring laughter to my face.

Il ignore any spoiler or heavy thoughts just for the sake to enjoy the happiness.

But, as I said..it always come with price..even time with your family..

For this one particular happiness contributor, I just like for once want to be selfish..Im enjoying this time and wont let it go. For whatever it takes..

I do not want to think bout people perception, bout someone else heartbroken..I just dont.

Because no matter how much i think bout all those things all this while,
no matter how iv being nice to people,
no matter how Im trying so hard not to hurt people's feeling,
eventually I will be tested by Him..

Hence, let me just enjoy this thing and be happy..

How could you..

It has been 18 days since the engagement day. We were back on the silence treatment mode. He did it again. I kena again. The most important thing Iv remind him so many times, never shut me out!! But he did it. Not once, but many times since before merisik.

At that time, when i were about to feel break into tears, my stronger Nadya came and told me that..You are strong Nadya, uv been endure this billionth time. Be patience. Handle it elegantly and professionally. This is the time to apply whatever you've been reading in the self motivational books.

Along the way, being me..I will always upload or express my thoughts and feeling at that time with quotes or pictures that linked to me. Of course, hoping that he will understand more. But he didnt. He keep on doing it.

So i sabar. It continues until 25th June.

I knew about he'll be coming down to bring is mom to IJN for her routine checkup.
And he whatsapp me that hes coming and like to meet me to pass the bekas hantaran and discuss things.
I was relieved! Finally sense gets into his mine to be a man and communicate.

I didnt know that night will be the last time Il becoming a fiance.

He totally block his mind and himself from any kind of discussion. Basically he only wanna hear what he wanna hear. Every time I try to explain with a very calm tone, he will block and snap it out. So, he is still the same. Frustration and red face was the only thing I could express. I gave up with this kinda attitude. He do not want to discuss a thing!!

And he ask, do I still wanna continue this engagement.
I said, of course! Yes we had a fight but that doesn't mean we have to give up.

I mean this is not high school weh! This has involved families! This has cost my pride and lots of money!

And he quoted ' I dont think we should'

I was about to feel..am I being dumped? No this is not a high school break up..This is real man. U could not simply ditch me after every only God knows.

U ask me to marry you. U met my parents to get me to marry u. And now u wanna end it as if I was nothing!

I continued my diner. Even I felt like swallowed sands.
I maintained my coolness. Deep inside I was totally shattered.

I ask if his parents knew about this.. and of course. Only immature man will do those kinda immature and selfish decision. They didnt know.

I brought him to meet his parents!! I wonder who is the man in the relationship.

Otw to the hotel, I called Nurul, tried to get some soothing words. I rasa mcm nak nangis..but I didnt. But I really need to talk to someone. My voice was shaking. She tried her best to calm me down and ask me to drive carefully. She advised to maintain my coolness and not to burst out. Show that im not the bad guy here.

In the room, was his uncle and his parents. Watching some drama. The actress was named Nadia in the drama. And the uncle joked about our similar name. And he said my name sounds like Indonesian name when I told him my full name.

So it started with his mom asked, hows preparation so far?
So I told her what did her son just ask.
And his parents surprised with the news.
I told his mom so many times...I never ever have a thought to end it. He wants it. He didnt even wanna stay in the hotel room to face the problem he had caused.

The mother ask me to calm down and not to worry. She will try to talk to her son.
She ask me not to tell my parents about it.
She even accompanied me to my car that was parked in the dark basement.
She said she will call.

On the way back, Zul returned my calls before. I share everything with him. He ask me to be patience and not to jump into conclusion. Things are not finalized yet and he said that the guy will come into his senses once hes okay.

I just felt relieved when he acted that way. He was not being bias. He know me so well and he did make me calm. He felt sorry for me. He just want me to be happy but I keep on being tested with all this bullshit.

I waited for 2 days.
I call, and the mother cant talk.

I wait for another 2 weeks. I still havent shared with my mom.
During those 2 killing weeks, I felt so vulnerable. I couldn't bear the thoughts of how my father would respond to the news. Iv been arranging my words on how to tell my parents.The engagement was not even last for a month! Decision like this would have been thought for some time, and uv decided to spill the shit after the engagement? Where is your senses?

After 2 weeks, the mom called me. I was at the office.
She said, her son still sticking to his words.
I wonder if she knocked her son's head and put some wise word in it. He is so childish.
She asked, do i want this too because thats what her son said so.
I said, if he can simply do things like this of course i feel scared already.
And again, I didnt ask for this ending!

I told my mom on the same day at night. I told her everything.
It took me 4 days to tell my father later on.

I dont think abah took it that well. He went up and being silence about it for days.

It was Ramadan, and I have never being tested that great before. Tarawikh was the only time and place I could feel calm. I said my prayers in silence to Him and ask for His guidance. It was the most memorable and meaningful Ramadan.

The parents took another 2 weeks to have guts to call my parents. And that was also after mama sms the shallow guy to face the situation. Abah agreed to meet up after raya.

16th August 2014.

Ayah Nyah and Mak Puan been so nice to join the discussion. Iv made a list of loss I have to bear by myself. Basically it was deposits and expenses that I have paid with my own money for the wedding preparation. The intention was to claim from his side since I wont gain any of it too.




And I just couldnt believe everything that had happened on that day.

Getting out of the country...

Urgghh reading about stupid people who dont know about why we are boycotting, really put me in a state where I could not think of something nice anymore.

Im getting frustrated with the country already. Actually dah lama..but the reasons keep on coming and increasing. And the idea of getting out the country getting greater.

With the unjust law, poor implementation, increasing crimes..and of course..the huge percentage of shallow citizen. I know people got the right to think and say anything, and exactly! I got the right to feel this way too. Sometimes dealing with shallow minded colleagues also play part to this frustration. U just tired to response because u know it getting nowhere and let them live in false.

I know we always need to be fair in our thoughts too, and I will make effort to read or ask bout the opposite info and opinion. And with that taken care of, I stand with my belief. My points are backed with facts and logic.

Okay..actually point dia..This idea of study or working abroad keep on lingering in my mind. K.Long plak dok bg support. And iv been doing some survey and research. Theres few ways in doing that. The only thing that hold me are:

1. My never ending Degree.. I know I should focus more on this from now on.
2. My monthly fixed expense..the car,asb,insurance,phone.. Whos gonna pay that?

Owh basically only this two. Im single and not gonna get married real soon..so this is my time!!
So how eh..I x sabar dah sbanrnya..

Friendship..

In my life, I dont really have lots of circle of friend actually.
Its either my sis's friends circle or my friends circle.

The etiquette of friendship is one of the most important thing in my life. I respect and obey the rules. Like no stealing people friends? No simply claiming people as BFF when u know they are not really up to your standard of BFF.

So, Im also sensitive to these issues. Esp if u feel u were not counted in the circle pun.. And I always have this thought because theres always someone or something that keep on remind me.
Honestly I pun penat lah to feel unappreciated and feel like I je yang beria..

So iv decided, lets break the circle. Let me myself with only me knowing, exit from the circle slowly.
Im sure my absent will not be realized pun.
Plus I still got my friends to be count on.

I mean whats the point if u can clearly witness that some people do not worship or appreciate u as their friends like u did pun. I dont know bout other people, but i cant tolerate that. I cannot accept knowing that we are not really been thought of.

Call me mega-sensitive bitch.
But i sedar diri.

For example, real friends will never forget to wish u 'Happy Birthday'. esp now it got flooded at your FB wall. Theres no way u could have missed it.

And, why does i never see my picture in ur IG or FB where else theres 'not really close friends' in it. And yet, when theres thing to talk about, I was all ears to u?

Im not complaining or mengungkit.. But it bothers me..So..

Kids of mine

Lately,

Whenever i see babies or kids with their parents holding hands or parents bring their kids to shop for baju raya or looking at the grumpy faces because they cant tolerate with their mommy's shopping spree..

Will get me in tears..

Not that bad coz i will hurriedly wipe it away..

Because i dont know if i will ever get that one big dream of mine to become true..

Because i dont know if il ever open my heart to trust a man anymore..

No more man.

It is not easy to live with a broken heart. And this heart has been mended for thousand times. Like a broken glass, it wont be that strong anymore.

I had so much things that need to let go but instead it keeps remained in my heart and mind. At some point I managed to forget it and just live happily. But it didn't stay that way for so  long because there's always something or someone who will trigger it back and put me back in the past.

I will never recover. I just survived. But i can never recover and I could never love or accept a man in my life. I will destroy them mentally. End up they will hurt me. Basically I myself caused it. Hence, I know I shouldn't put marriage as one of my goal in my life. Im not capable of accepting a man to be part in my life. There's always something that will make me live in doubt based on past experience. I will always in alert. I didn't let it flow and relax. Im a wreck-ship with so many flaws. No man can handle that.

I should proceed with my plan before all this started again. I was actually okay living single and kinda accept it already. Im prepared to live alone. Until he came and I gave him and myself chance to get hurt again.

I will buy a house and adopt a baby.

I have family and friends for me to turn to. They love me. I can rely on them. I dont think I need another stranger man come and ruined it.

At the moment im still in heartbroken-bitter-dark condition. But it will past. It always does. I always moved on. But then yeah..I wont recover. All this bitter memory will come and visit me once in a while and push me aback again. I dont think there's any man can handle that. Because in the end, all they ever wanted is women to think about them all the time. Seriously im tired of thinking bout that anymore. When will I be cared?

The doomed day continues..

Listening to recitation is the perfume of the souls, the calmer of hearts, and the food of the spirit. Is is one of the most important psychological medicines. It is a source of pleasure, even to some animals – and pleasure in moderation purifies inner energy, enhances the functioning of the faculties, slows down senile decay by driving out its diseases, improves the complexion, and refreshes the entire body. Pleasure in excess, on the other hand, makes the illnesses of the body grow worse.

Abu Nu’aim states, in his Tib an-Nabbi, that the Prophet (Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam) said that the benefits of listening to recitation are increased when it is understood – that is, when its meaning is understood. 

Allah Himself says:…so give good news to My slaves, those who listen to the word and then follow the best of it…(Qur’an: 39.17-18) 

Source: As-Suyuti’s Medicine of the Prophet (Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam)

Last night tarawih(2nd July) proves this.

The imam was 2nd runner up for National Qari competition. 

His recite almost make me in tears. Rasa sebak sangat.. After few days that thing happened, i knew i can find peace during this Ramadan by get involved with Allah's activity.
I felt better..
Then I didnt.

Then I feel like crying all the time.. I cant focus at work.. I keep on questioned and blaming myself..
I read somewhere that we should not take everything personally by blaming ourselves. Its not us, its them. But of course u cant help it from thinking why does ur life keep ended like that..dont u?
I had enough. I gave up. But i still tried.. End up it will just be the same. I should have continued being gave up right?

I do think things happened for reasons. I thought iv found the reason but it didnt went smoothly too. Should I sacrifice more years in my life and continue waiting? 

I know we shouldnt push and put too much hope in anything and just let it be. But im not that kind of person. I like to plan and not being unprepared..

Ya Allah..help me..guide me

Love is all that needed.

I longed for..

someone who feel proud walking next to me.
someone who'll feel happy waking up next to my horror face.
someone who willing to share my laughter and tears.
someone who willing to listen to my never ending conscious and stupid doubt.
someone who calm my nervous wreck with his words.
someone who share his hard and fun times with me.
someone who understand that my nags is because i care.
someone who stay and fight for the relationship.

all this will only works if only..

That someone really love me unconditionally.
That's all needed.